So here I was, once again at another crossroad. I can keep digging myself in deeper or I can work hard to change things for me and Lisa. We moved in with my mom, her husband and my younger sister. I got a job driving an auto parts truck for a local auto parts store. My step dad actually let me borrow a car from him to get back and forth to work until I could save $500.00 to pay him for it. I enrolled Lisa in child care at one of the churches in town and we were off to a new start. I was now living back in the same town that I had lived in when my mom and dad had divorced; so if I could locate them, I would have friends here that I knew. If you recall this was a very very small town. It seemed like everyone knew everyone else in one way or another. All I would have to do is go out somewhere and before too long my old friends would know I was back in town. This also meant that if Lisa's dad were still here he would also know before too long that I was back and Lisa would be with me. It had been a couple of years since I had heard anything about him. I had no idea where he was or what he was doing. It was the risk I took coming back to this area. How would I feel if I saw him again? Well......do you want to know the truth? The same way I felt the very first time I ever laid eyes on him. Head over heals in love with him. Everyone that knew me were very aware of this too and I think that is why everyone in my family was praying he was nowhere around.
I guess I was back in town a week or ten days when I started running into old friends. We started hanging out together and each week I would run into someone else I hadn't seen for several years. I was visiting with an old girlfriend one evening when an old boyfriend of mine stopped by to see her and her husband. His name was Tony and we had "gone steady" for a short time when I was in the 7th grade and he was in the 9th. We had a lot in common so we started hanging out together and before long we were "dating" again.
Tony worked at a car dealership and we both worked Monday through Friday. We would just hang out during the week but when the weekends would roll around we loved to go to the clubs in nearby cities to have a few drinks and dance the night away. We were not the "party animals" that Glen and I had been but we did drink when we were out and we would smoke an occasional joint from time to time. My mom liked him because she had known him for a long time and knew that for the most part he was a responsible young man. I was now 19 and pleased that life had seemed to mellow out for me a little. A break from all the drama was just what I needed. I just wanted to have peaceful life with a little dose of fun thrown in for good measure which was something that Tony and I managed to do quite well. We both loved to sing and dance and we spent most of our free time doing just that. It was the days of disco and we knew every dance known to the disco world. And I dare say we were pretty darn good at it too. We worked together for the common good and before too long I had saved enough money for Lisa and I to rent a small upstairs apartment and get out on our own. Tony was still living at home so he would come and stay with me at the apartment most weekends. Mom would usually let Lisa spend the weekends with her so she could have time with her while Tony and I danced the nights away. As I said before we would have a few drinks and from time to time we would smoke a good joint but it was all in good fun for us. No heavy drugs and no daily drinking. We were just out to have a good time and enjoy some of our youth. My younger sister, the one that was with me the day I was shot, had become one of my closest friends. We had not been as close growing up but ever since she spent that dreadful night with me we appeared to be joined at the hip. She was 15 and still living at home going to school like most kids her age. The only difference about her was, just like me and my first marriage she had become involved in a relationship with a guy that I knew from the get go was bad news. I was not the only one who felt that way. After she had been seeing him for a while mom figured out what he was all about and she didn't want my sister to have anything to do with him. But that went over just about as well as mom telling me I couldn't marry Lisa's dad. For my sister's privacy we'll just call him "S". He was 17 or 18 I'm not exactly sure. He was however the same drinking, drugging and abusive type of guy that Lisa's dad had been. I could see it in his eyes and I could see certain behaviors in him that were so similar to what I had lived with before that I was always waiting for all hell to break loose when I was around him. But she claimed to be in love with him and far be it from me to stand in the way of love. I hated it when it was done to me and I wasn't going to do it to her. I just tried to make sure when we were all together that she was safe and happy.
She was my best friend and if "S" made her happy I would be happy for her. I knew what if felt like to love someone and have the whole world working against you. When mom told her she didn't want her to see him anymore I would just let her come to my house and spend the night with me and they would meet at my place. There was this silent code of trust and loyalty between her and I that could not be broken. I remember one night in particular. The four of us had planned to just hang out at the apartment and play cards. Tony had come over right after work so we could have dinner together before my sister and "S" came over. Mom would probably bring her over and pick up Lisa around 7 pm and God be willing "S" would not show up until after my mom had left. By 8pm that evening we were sitting around the table having a few beers and we probably had a joint or two to smoke also. We seemed to be having a good time when all of a sudden "S" got really mad at my sister about something. He started yelling and getting pushy and before long everyone was involved in this argument. I told him I wanted him to leave or I was going to call the law. Things kept getting worse and worse until Tony finally convinced him I really was going to call the law if he didn't leave. It wasn't long before I did call the cops because I really was afraid someone was going to get hurt. And even though "S" had gone outside I knew he had not left the property. He kept picking up small rocks and throwing them at my windows to let me know he was still there. It was getting to a point where I was thinking he was more angry with me now than with her because I wouldn't let him back in to see her. The county sheriff showed up about 15 minutes later, came to the door and asked what the problem was. We explained the situation to him but told him we felt like "S" had finally gone home and everything should be okay. They sat in the yard for 5 minutes or so and then left to go take care of some other domestic abuse call. Abusing your spouse seemed to be what most men did to their wives on the weekends. Because it happened so often to such a variety of people I think the people who lived there began to turn a deaf ear when it came to mental and physical abuse. It was one of the household secrets that until someone was killed it was never mentioned. Besides, what were you to do? Counseling? Never heard of it. Go to a shelter? Never heard of it. Tell someone? Who? Most of the men were doing it and most of the women were taking it. For some weird reason it was the norm in that county. People would drink, do drugs, fight and get over it in the morning. But years and years of this type of torture can take a toll on you. It can change the very essence of who you are inside and out.
Anyway, there we sat, the three of us taking a moment try to figure out what had just happened and why. Then I heard it. A loud, really loud knock at the front door. You guess it. It was "S". Banging on the door almost breaking the glass INSISTING that I let him see my sister or he was going to break in and get her anyway. My front door was wood on the bottom half but one solid sheet of glass on the top half so it was easy to see him standing there yelling at us. She said to me "It's okay, just let me talk to him. I'll calm him down and then he will be okay and he'll go home." Not only had I heard these famous last words of a fool before, but I had said them myself on more than one occasion. I finally agreed to let her go talk to him through the glass of the front door and we headed down the stairs to the front door together. I'll never forget the look he had on his face as he stood on the other side of that door. His eyes glassed over as if possessed by Satan and evil, just pure evil all over his face. I turned to her and told her "oh my God sis, this is the same look Lisa's dad had on his face the night he shot me." I can't let you go out there. This young man is capable of killing someone and trust me he would feel no remorse in doing so. I can see it in his eyes. Trust me on this one. Please don't go out there with him, please don't. He just continued screaming and banging on the glass of the front door until she finally opened it and walked outside. Tony and I could see he was starting to push her and he wouldn't quit yelling at her. After she had fallen a couple of times and I knew he had hit her Tony and I went out to get her. It seemed as if we were playing a game of tug of war with him. I was pulling her towards the house and "S" was doing just the opposite. Tony in the meantime was trying to talk him into letting her go, going home and dealing with it tomorrow. "S" let her go for one moment and we girls ran back into my apartment. Soon after Tony came in saying that "S" had agreed to go home and calm down but he wanted to see my sister the following day at my house. We were grateful for the temporary reprieve but none of us were looking forward to tomorrow. I knew exactly what would happen tomorrow. No question in my mind about it. He would come over, apologize, maybe even shed a tear of remorse just to get her to let him back in her life and then it wouldn't be long before it would happen all over again. Now I want you to take a minute and bookmark this blog because later on I am going to prove to you that I was right when I made the prediction that "S" had the capability to "MURDER" someone and feel no remorse. But there are many other things to share with you before we get to that time in my life. The next major event in my life would happen that winter. Somehow, someway at 16 my sister had managed to convince my mom to let her and "S" get married. I'll never understand why mom allowed this to take place. She had just watched me go through this exact same scenario a few years prior and she saw first hand the outcome of that. This marriage was not going to be any different. But like me, there was no talking her out of it. My sister and "S" were married and set up housekeeping not far from where Tony and I were living.
The following Mothers Day I would receive a dreadful message from my mother. Tony and I had no phone so when someone needed us they would call his mom and she would come give us the message to return the call. There was a knock on the door that Sunday evening. It was his mother with a message for me that I needed to call my mom as soon as I could get to a phone. Not wanting his family to hear what she wanted to tell me I elected to get in the car and go to the nearest pay phone to call her. The phone rang once, then twice and then for a third time. Pick up the phone mom! Pick it up! What's wrong? Please pick up the phone! On the fourth or fifth ring I heard my moms voice softly and tearfully say "hello".
"Mom! What's wrong? I got the message that you called and you needed to talk to me right away!"
She told me she had terrible news and the first thing that ran through my mind was something had happened to my dad. She told me it was about her younger sister, Linda. She was 33 years old and a single mom to a 6 year old boy and was living in the Raleigh Durham area of North Carolina. She told me that her sister had been in a small coffee shop in the wee hours of the morning just before leaving to get home to see grandma for mothers day. There had been a man and a woman there that she knew and she had spoken to them briefly before moving to a table alone to finish her coffee. It was raining outside and her car was parked almost directly in front of the door to the coffee shop. The front of the coffee shop was made of glass but due to the rain you could barely see her car parked there. The police had told mom that when my aunt had finished her coffee it appeared that she had gone out to her car to head home. But just as she put her foot on the gas and turned the ignition on someone in the backseat of her car sat up, put a gun to the back of her head and pulled the trigger. The police say the person must have run away immediately after the shooting her but it wasn't until the sound of her car racing in its parking place did anyone go out to see what was going on. Is she ok mom? Are you there with her? Silence.........DEAD SILENCE.........It was one of those times in my life when I could hear the teardops hitting the floor. Oh my God mom. Don't tell me she is dead! She was my favorite relative. I loved her so much. Our middle names were the same. Why is she dead? I didn't die and I was shot. Why is she dead? And what about her little boy who had no father. A million questions ran through my head at that moment but all I could hear were those dreaded teardrops hitting the floor.
"Mom.....what do you want me to do?"
"Nothing she said. Call me again tomorrow and I will give you more information about what we are going to do."
This was Mothers Day. How could anyone murder a single mother of a young boy, the daughter of a wonderful mother and the sister to six other siblings ON MOTHERS DAY!!! As we hung up the phone I just stood there. Paralyzed with fear. There had been someone waiting for her in the back of her car. Just laying there waiting for her. Lord knows I will forever get in my car and look in the backseat before I get in. What is happening to this crazy world? My aunt Linda was a good person. Why do all these bad things keep happening to good people. What in the world had we done to deserve this?
In June Tony and I married as planned. I didn't love him the way I loved Lisa's dad but I was okay with it. We got along good, mom liked him and she thought it was time I found someone to be a father figure for Lisa. But things seemed to change for us the minute we said our "I DO's". Tony and I made the best of friends but we were terrible when it came to being married to each other. I had become bitter and feisty and not willing to put up with a whole lot of crap and he was used to being around married women who were quiet and submissive. The biggest example of this was his mother. Tony was a mama's boy and it proved to be unfortunate that the house we found to rent after we were married was directly across the street from her. It wasn't long after we were married that we too began fighting like cats and dogs just like everyone else we knew, but this time I wasn't willing to take anymore than I was able to dish out myself. So when we would fight, it would be push for push and punch for punch. It didn't take but a month or two of this and I found myself sinking into a state of depression that I had no clue how to get out of. I didn't even know there was such a thing as depression at the time I just knew that I was miserable. So on the weekends of course we would start out drinking a few beers smoking a joint or two and having a good time but somehow it would always turn into some sort of boxing match between us. My sister and "S" were usually at the house playing cards with us Friday and Saturday nights and you would think that the guys had it all preplanned."S" would get mad at my sister on Friday nights and attempt to beat her to a pulp and then Tony would take a turn with me on Saturday nights or vice verse. Because getting the crap beat out of me wasn't new to me, the actual physical pain of it all was almost non existent. This behavior went on for months. My life became so miserable that I got to a point during the week that I would meet with a girlfriend of mine that lived just a few blocks up the road and we would hang out and drink a few beers together during the day. Lisa was in kindergarden so I wasn't afraid of her seeing what I was doing to myself on a daily basis.
My friends' marriage was no different than mine so we would clean our houses first thing in the morning and would spend the rest of the day drinking beer and "taking prescription medications". Yes I know prescription or otherwise drugs are drugs no matter where you get them from. We would start our days with diet pills, a medical form of SPEED and we would clean and prepare dinner for that particular evening. Once we were finished with that we would start with the beer and the pain killers and depression medications such as valium or something similar. We had the process of getting these meds from different doctors down to a science. And the trick was to never let one doctor know what the other was prescribing. If you were as good at it as we were you could get prescription drugs from each of them once a week or more. As the afternoons would roll around we would have everything taken care of for that evening and the pill popping would start. By dinner time we were as mellow as a couple of lazy fat cats. Nothing going to rattle us and even if someone tried to it would do them no good. This will be another one of those times in my life when I should have died on more than one occasion but only God knows why I didn't. I do remember vaguely an afternoon when I had just had enough of what life was dishing out and she had too. We started eating the pills we had like candy. At that time I could have cared less if I lived or died. Life was stinking and I was sick of it. Everyday of my life for the past 4 years had been filled with nothing more than drinking, drugs and getting the crap beat out of me. I had been chased down with cars. Punched, smacked, pushed, knocked down, drug around, you name it and it had happened. One day Tony was so mad he had me by the hair and was slamming my head down on the hood of the car over and over again. Everything in a kitchen had been thrown at me besides the stove and refrigerator. If they could pick it up and swing it, odds were good that you were going to be hit with it. So I made the decision to take every pill in my possession and drink as many beers as I had money to buy. Needless to say I couldn't even do that right. Next thing I knew, if I remember correctly, I was in the hospital having my stomach pumped. It is a sad day when you feel like life has beat you up so bad that you just want out but that was exactly what I wanted, OUT!
Now, as this was going on at my house the same things were going on at my sisters house. What was it with these guys. It got to a point where every weekend and sometimes during the week you would find yourself fighting for your life. One day my sister came to me and told me she had a plan. A way to get away from all the abuse at least temporarily. She was going to join the Army. Oh no.....you have got to be kidding! You can't leave me here like this! I can't live without you. Have you lost your blooming mind? But there was no talking her out of it. Within days she had made it to Richmond to join the Army. I knew I wouldn't be able to live like this any longer especially if I didn't have her there with me. Now what was I going to do. Whew.............looks like I will be leaving here again too, filing for divorce and moving back to Virginia ONE MORE TIME!
If you feel like you are in an abusive relationship, you probably are. And mental abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. Get help early! Call someone or go somewhere before it is too late. Another lesson better left unlearned
Before you get in your car look inside, in the back seat and be sure to notice who is close by. It could save your life! Yet another lesson better left unlearned
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